This all really sucks.

Now that my actual blog has been discovered by an unwanted audience, I have nowhere to really vent about what’s going on anymore. This is it, I guess, though I’m not positive that this isn’t being monitored as well. I don’t really care at this point. I’ve been good as far as not killing myself yet. Yesterday brought me pretty close to reconsidering, but I held strong. Today was just sort of a nothing day, almost like it never even happened.

I’m starting to realize that now. Most days just happen. There’s nothing special about anything to me anymore. Before, I used to do things, get to see people, etc. Days were different. Now, they are all the same. I’m either sitting at home doing absolutely nothing, not seeing anybody, being lonely, or I’m at work, basically doing the same thing.

I keep trying to tell myself how ridiculous it is to take such comfort in one person. I know that it makes no sense that I can’t be happy without them, and even though I’m quite a logical person, this doesn’t make a difference to me. I can’t tell myself what to feel, I just feel it. I guess the same goes the other way around. They can’t make themselves want to be with me, they just don’t. Feelings are simply that. They aren’t based on any truths or logic, they are completely irrational.

I spend most of my day thinking about that person, and about how much I love them, and that I’d do anything in the world to have them back. Then, I spend the rest of my day coming up with reasons not to just throw in the towel, and wishing that I’d never met her. That way, I wouldn’t know how happy I could be, and my state now wouldn’t seem so fucking miserable.

For once, I would just love to have feelings for somebody and have them feel at least close to the same way. And if I couldn’t make this work, then why would anything else work out for me, especially since I don’t really care about the other things as compared to her.

I’m trying so hard. I cried today for no reason. Well, for a reason, but one that I can’t really control. If only I could have one wish… I know exactly what that would be.

I really don’t want anything the same way. This is like the biggest domino. I can’t push it over and get the other ones to follow suit. But if I did, I know everything would move along, and things would be so much better. I wish she needed me in some capacity. Guilt won’t make her mine, but more of a mutual desire. All I know is that if she ever feels any desire for me, we’re as good as gold, because she’s the only thing that I desire at all.