[note] i restored my old controversial blog, because i don't really give a shit who sees it anymore. i was going to post this on there, but decided not to, so i'll post it here instead [/note]
I'm sorry. I'm sorry for wanting something so badly that I'd rather die than live without it. I don't claim that my reasoning is rational, but it's just how I feel.
I've come under much fire for this little bloggy blog, and that's not too surprising. I went a little crazy, and posted some stuff that I shouldn't have, regardless of whether I meant it or not. Because honestly, I did. I still don't really fancy the whole idea of living, but that doesn't mean you have to keep me away from tall buildings and razor blades. It's not that I want to kill myself. That's not even the slightest bit of it. It's just that I feel I have no real way to make it through and be happy. I'm just going to continue to fuck everything up, keep failing, keep being a disappointment to my family. It's just about inevitable. So, I figured with me gone, that would alleviate some of the burden that my existence creates.
There is a little bit of a selfish tone as well. In utter honesty, I don't want to live a life in which I will never be happy. I know what it's like to be miserable all day, I've been doing that quite well for a few years. If this is all that life has to offer me, no thanks, I'd much prefer an early checkout, regardless of the cost. However, I did find something in the past year or so that showed me life from a new perspective. My eyes were opened to the idea that life can be actually a fucking amazing thing. The difference that she made me aware of was that of night and day. With her, the sun shined, so bright that I couldn't even keep it out if I closed my eyes.
But now, the clouds came right on back. Maybe it's my metaphorical winter. She found out that I'm not really much, and there's much better things for her elsewhere. While I'm not disagreeing in the least, I would like to at least attempt to plead my case. Nobody will ever see what I see when i look at her. Nobody will ever feel their thoughts and heart race faster than the speed of light every time I get to touch her. Nobody will ever know the feeling of home that I experience when I'm near her, when I smell her hair. It's a feeling of home for somebody who doesn't even know what home is anymore. To me, she was home. I didn't know these sorts of sensations were possible. I didn't know that feelings could be so overwhelming. She changed everything. She made me want to live, she made me want a family again. I still dream of being with her, I long to wake up by her side, I long to hold her, to touch her. I want her more than I've ever wanted anything in my entire life.
Now, it's apparent that I cannot have her. I have once again lost my home. I am once again wandering around, having no idea as to where I'm going, or why I'm even going anywhere. I have no destination, I have no home. Sure, I can try to make the most out of whatever I have is. That's like trying to rebuild your house after a tornado threw it miles away. You can't. You are left with nothing. Fortunately in those circumstances, insurance helps. Unfortunately, in this case, I really am just left with nothing. I don't really see the point to doing much of anything. Partially, I wish I had never met her, because then I wouldn't realize that I'm missing out on the one thing that would make me happy, my one opportunity to live a life that I actually WANT. Anything achieved now would be for nothing. I will never truly have what I want, so I'll just try to find something else to want. But I won't want these things, because I realize that I only want them because I can't have what I truly desire.
I know this is just right along the lines of what I was posting before. But if you notice, I make no threats to kill myself. If I ever start feeling like that, I sure as hell won't post anything about it. Jesus, what I wouldn't give to take back all this ado.
I hope that maybe one day she will want me. I really don't know what to do until then.
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