odd feelings.

So I've been trying to cope with everything. I'm still alive, so that means I'm doing a semi-decent job. But it's so hard for me to really try when I have nothing to look forward to. Now, I understand that life can be awesome, and that I have to just fix things in order to get to that point. But my heart is just in pain. It's as simple as that. It's not about everything else seeming unobtainable. I'm sure that over time, I can figure everything out. But right now, at this instant, I just feel alone.

Its pretty much known at this point that I've lost everything that I once had, my schooling, my friends, my cars, my seemingly limitless supply of anything and everything I needed, nice clothes, etc. Those are all material (except the friends and school, but that will come in time). I can deal without all of that, but what I really miss is love. I read an interesting quote in Russell Brand's newest book. "...when it's all gone, like looking into the eyes of someone who no longer loves you, all the more empty for how full it once was." I feel like that's the perfect explanation. I feel that much worse, because what I thought I had was perfect. I found the one person that I adore, that I long to spend time with, that I can't help but want to hold, to touch, to feel... to just be with and near. I was somewhat hopeful that maybe this was a two way street. I really felt that connection. And quite honestly, I'm just devastated. I know it's a bit lame, but I think most people feel that there will be "the one". Regardless of whether its the one you marry, or the one that got away. There is always that one chance encounter that leads you to the one person who would just make life what it's meant to be. I can be told that I am wrong for the rest of my life, but I know that this was it. Now, everything I do will be that much less important and fulfilling, because I lost the one thing that completes what I want, in a sense, what I need.

I can fix all of the other stuff. I can start refilling the glass, little by little. Eventually, I'll get halfway there, and things will be better. But no matter how much I keep pouring into the glass, it will never be full. There will always be that last bit, the bit that fancied something that wasn't me. I can't make her love me, as I keep telling myself over and over. I keep writing it down, as to finally convince myself of the harsh reality... but I'm not sure I believe it. Well, it's not to say that I don't believe it, more that I don't accept it. I'm not, by definition, stupid. I do stupid things, and I've rightly fucked up everything lately, but that doesn't mean I'm not rational, logical, somewhat intelligent. I just have this notion that I should be able to make this work. How can I want somebody more than anything in the world, how can I be willing to do any and everything for her, and not have any reciprocation. I'm beginning to also accept the realization that women don't want men who want them. It's a sick idea, and I figured this to be a different scenario, but this is the case for the most part. If you treat a woman like they aren't important, they are more attracted to you. If you show that you love them for all time and through anything, you don't really seem that interesting. I've always floundered when it comes to applying this life lesson. I like my feelings to be known. I'm not one to pretend. If I like something, I'm not going to treat it like shit and pretend I don't give a rat's ass.

It really hit me today. She said she was laying in bed. I just pictured her, with somebody else, living a life completely separate from anything involving me. She knows me, but I'm not any part of her life. I may have been slightly at one point. I just realize that I am really insignificant to her. I thought when we saw eachother more often that I was actually holding on for something to happen, that she did intend on making something work with me. But I don't even know where she lives. That really upsets me when I think about it. I have no idea about anything regarding her life, and I assume that's for a reason. I guess I was just blinded by the excitement of getting her attention. I knew I wasn't quite the caliber of person deserving of her affection, but I accepted what I thought was such.

My reality is completely different than hers. She lives with somebody else, and has for awhile. I thought that the situation was over, and I was maybe a new interest. But I can't really compete, I have nothing interesting to offer, just unconditional love, and nearly obsessive admiration. But she can get that from anybody I guess. I thought we had something, that was my reality. Then I realize I only see her when she comes to see me, I"m just some fragment of her life that nobody that's actually in her life knows about.

I guess I need to get a grip on reality. But I can't just let go. That would just mean letting go of any chance of ever being truly and completely content. This will probably happen anyway, but if I do that now, what else do I have to hope for?