leaving sometime soon.

Yep, I'm gonna go away for a little while. I was happy about it somewhat at first, but now I'm realizing that I have no other options. I have nobody except my parents. Nobody else really gives a shit. I would just leave tonight and never look back but I don't have the funds really. So, I guess I have no choice but to give this a shot. I just know that I'm going to come out, I still won't have friends, I won't have a girl, I won't have a car, I won't have a place to call home (at this point I'm just a guest in my house, I don't even have a fucking door).

So, it's all up to these next couple days to decide what I want to do. I was hoping that maybe if I got my shit together I could get something that makes me happy back. But, judging by earlier tonight, I can see that the distance is almost beyond measurement. I'm like a fading memory, only even being acknowledged because I'm way too self destructive and she's too nice. I was hoping that there could be a remedy to that situation. There's nothing really else that can be remedied by this besides things with my parents, which I admit are important. I put them through hell, so they deserve this and a whole lot more.

This is all well and good, but I just know that I won't be happy. Who knows though, maybe I'll meet some people there. Maybe I'll be good enough for somebody where I'm going. I won't look like such a piece of shit to people who have been through what I've been through.

I give it a couple days after I'm out. I'll see what's going on, and I'll make a decision. This is the first step, yes, but I'm not going to take a shit load of steps if they don't fucking lead anywhere.

I'm sorry, I'm just really upset about tonight, about my whole fucking life. I've always been just one of a dozen, never special, never sought after. Every social situation I overcompensate because nobody just likes me. I think I'm nice, but I don't know why I don't have friends. And every girl I've ever wanted, I was the friend. That's all I ever was. And it's still true to this day. I'm just sick of myself. It doesn't matter, drugs or not. This has been true way before drugs.

I wish I could just be a functioning addict. I need to start making just a little bit more money, and then I can do that. I'd rather not use at all, but I can't live with myself as things are. The one thing I was happy about is gone, and nothing seems to be presenting itself as anything to smile about.

I am not threatening suicide or whatever, but I refuse to keep living if I'm miserable. I just want one fucking break. That's it? If that's too much to ask for, than so is asking me to keep going.

Must be nice to have options. I can't express my anger in words right now, so I'll just leave with FUCK.