good night!!

My visitor showed up, and made me feel so much better. I just got in. I'm jamming out to some pretty sick songs. But, I guess I should try to sleep because I work tomorrow. I just wanted to update and say that tonight just became nice, thank god. Hopefully I have my friend back :). Just what I need, some love!

A New Life

Yes, it is about that time. Time to change everything I've been doing for the past few years, and step up to the big leagues. I finally have a somewhat clearer head, and now I need to start focusing on getting where I want to be. This will indeed be a challenge, but as long as a few things work my way, it should be doable.

If I'm going to be honest, I'm going to focus a decent amount of energy on trying to find a girl. I don't even care if it's serious at first or not. At this point, I have needs that must be addressed, and it's basically as simple as that. I can't sit around waiting for the person I want, because it's just not going to happen, so onward I push. I have a few possibilities, but they aren't necessarily good decisions. But, at this point I'll take what I can get. It's been so long since I've had a girlfriend, a few years actually. Last time I had a girl was about two years ago. I don't like being single any longer, not that I ever really did. I was waiting around (you know, the whole reason I got all depressed and shit), but whatever. If I'm not good enough, then I'll go find somebody else who I am good enough for.

Beyond that, I need to get myself a car. I'm hoping to have this done very soon (maybe even by the weekend if I'm lucky). Once I get that taken care of, I need to find a second job, or maybe just pick up more hours at my current job. The reason I want another job, though, is because if I pick up another day at my job, it's a twelve hour shift. That's five twelve-hour days a week, and that seems like a lot. I just want to pick up a couple shorter shifts somewhere. Not sure where, but I'm gonna work on it. I might even just try to work for AT&T, see what's up with that. Gonna redo my resume probably tomorrow, and take things from there.

Once I got that all taken care of, the sky is the limit. I'm even considering moving up to New York. The only reason I want to be around here is for one person. Since that's not working out, I have no reason to stay. I might even try to go somewhere completely far away once I save up enough money. Who knows.

I was hoping that things would be a little bit smoother now. Unfortunately, they are not. I still have her rattling around in my head, it's like a disease. I don't know why I care so much about somebody who doesn't want me back. I really have to readjust my thinking, and realize that I'm essentially being told I'm not what she wants, I'm not good enough. Maybe if I keep repeating that to myself, I won't want her anymore. That's just one obstacle I have to overcome.

Then, I have to make sure I do a few personal things, keep fighting the good fight. I will do it, because I have to. This is it, it's do or die, and I'm not going out without a fight. I wish I could relax, but that will come in time. I need to find somebody to love, who loves me. And I need to fix a few more things. Then, I will be able to sleep peacefully.

I might update a little bit more if I can't sleep, but right now I'm waiting for a surprise visitor. I'm excited. Hopefully she will keep me company for awhile :).

Adieu.

Back from Hell!

Well, I will get much more into this subject later, but I spent the past few days in a rehab center near my house. The first few days were awful. Actually, the whole thing was pretty much awful until last night. And then suddenly, everything came together. I realized that I am not as unlikable as I like to think that I am. I'm begging to accept that just because one person might not want to be with me, that doesn't mean that my world is doomed.

I have a faith and a confidence that I haven't felt in years, or maybe ever in my life. I know that I can make things better for myself, and I know that it will be hard, and I will have to be patient. I had trouble with patience before, because you can't really be patient for something to happen if you don't even believe that it has a possibility of happening. Now, I feel much different.

I will go much deeper into this after I get some rest. I feel refreshed in a way. And it wasn't from being there, really, but more from the people that I met. More details after a nice nap!

leaving sometime soon.

Yep, I'm gonna go away for a little while. I was happy about it somewhat at first, but now I'm realizing that I have no other options. I have nobody except my parents. Nobody else really gives a shit. I would just leave tonight and never look back but I don't have the funds really. So, I guess I have no choice but to give this a shot. I just know that I'm going to come out, I still won't have friends, I won't have a girl, I won't have a car, I won't have a place to call home (at this point I'm just a guest in my house, I don't even have a fucking door).

So, it's all up to these next couple days to decide what I want to do. I was hoping that maybe if I got my shit together I could get something that makes me happy back. But, judging by earlier tonight, I can see that the distance is almost beyond measurement. I'm like a fading memory, only even being acknowledged because I'm way too self destructive and she's too nice. I was hoping that there could be a remedy to that situation. There's nothing really else that can be remedied by this besides things with my parents, which I admit are important. I put them through hell, so they deserve this and a whole lot more.

This is all well and good, but I just know that I won't be happy. Who knows though, maybe I'll meet some people there. Maybe I'll be good enough for somebody where I'm going. I won't look like such a piece of shit to people who have been through what I've been through.

I give it a couple days after I'm out. I'll see what's going on, and I'll make a decision. This is the first step, yes, but I'm not going to take a shit load of steps if they don't fucking lead anywhere.

I'm sorry, I'm just really upset about tonight, about my whole fucking life. I've always been just one of a dozen, never special, never sought after. Every social situation I overcompensate because nobody just likes me. I think I'm nice, but I don't know why I don't have friends. And every girl I've ever wanted, I was the friend. That's all I ever was. And it's still true to this day. I'm just sick of myself. It doesn't matter, drugs or not. This has been true way before drugs.

I wish I could just be a functioning addict. I need to start making just a little bit more money, and then I can do that. I'd rather not use at all, but I can't live with myself as things are. The one thing I was happy about is gone, and nothing seems to be presenting itself as anything to smile about.

I am not threatening suicide or whatever, but I refuse to keep living if I'm miserable. I just want one fucking break. That's it? If that's too much to ask for, than so is asking me to keep going.

Must be nice to have options. I can't express my anger in words right now, so I'll just leave with FUCK.

odd feelings.

So I've been trying to cope with everything. I'm still alive, so that means I'm doing a semi-decent job. But it's so hard for me to really try when I have nothing to look forward to. Now, I understand that life can be awesome, and that I have to just fix things in order to get to that point. But my heart is just in pain. It's as simple as that. It's not about everything else seeming unobtainable. I'm sure that over time, I can figure everything out. But right now, at this instant, I just feel alone.

Its pretty much known at this point that I've lost everything that I once had, my schooling, my friends, my cars, my seemingly limitless supply of anything and everything I needed, nice clothes, etc. Those are all material (except the friends and school, but that will come in time). I can deal without all of that, but what I really miss is love. I read an interesting quote in Russell Brand's newest book. "...when it's all gone, like looking into the eyes of someone who no longer loves you, all the more empty for how full it once was." I feel like that's the perfect explanation. I feel that much worse, because what I thought I had was perfect. I found the one person that I adore, that I long to spend time with, that I can't help but want to hold, to touch, to feel... to just be with and near. I was somewhat hopeful that maybe this was a two way street. I really felt that connection. And quite honestly, I'm just devastated. I know it's a bit lame, but I think most people feel that there will be "the one". Regardless of whether its the one you marry, or the one that got away. There is always that one chance encounter that leads you to the one person who would just make life what it's meant to be. I can be told that I am wrong for the rest of my life, but I know that this was it. Now, everything I do will be that much less important and fulfilling, because I lost the one thing that completes what I want, in a sense, what I need.

I can fix all of the other stuff. I can start refilling the glass, little by little. Eventually, I'll get halfway there, and things will be better. But no matter how much I keep pouring into the glass, it will never be full. There will always be that last bit, the bit that fancied something that wasn't me. I can't make her love me, as I keep telling myself over and over. I keep writing it down, as to finally convince myself of the harsh reality... but I'm not sure I believe it. Well, it's not to say that I don't believe it, more that I don't accept it. I'm not, by definition, stupid. I do stupid things, and I've rightly fucked up everything lately, but that doesn't mean I'm not rational, logical, somewhat intelligent. I just have this notion that I should be able to make this work. How can I want somebody more than anything in the world, how can I be willing to do any and everything for her, and not have any reciprocation. I'm beginning to also accept the realization that women don't want men who want them. It's a sick idea, and I figured this to be a different scenario, but this is the case for the most part. If you treat a woman like they aren't important, they are more attracted to you. If you show that you love them for all time and through anything, you don't really seem that interesting. I've always floundered when it comes to applying this life lesson. I like my feelings to be known. I'm not one to pretend. If I like something, I'm not going to treat it like shit and pretend I don't give a rat's ass.

It really hit me today. She said she was laying in bed. I just pictured her, with somebody else, living a life completely separate from anything involving me. She knows me, but I'm not any part of her life. I may have been slightly at one point. I just realize that I am really insignificant to her. I thought when we saw eachother more often that I was actually holding on for something to happen, that she did intend on making something work with me. But I don't even know where she lives. That really upsets me when I think about it. I have no idea about anything regarding her life, and I assume that's for a reason. I guess I was just blinded by the excitement of getting her attention. I knew I wasn't quite the caliber of person deserving of her affection, but I accepted what I thought was such.

My reality is completely different than hers. She lives with somebody else, and has for awhile. I thought that the situation was over, and I was maybe a new interest. But I can't really compete, I have nothing interesting to offer, just unconditional love, and nearly obsessive admiration. But she can get that from anybody I guess. I thought we had something, that was my reality. Then I realize I only see her when she comes to see me, I"m just some fragment of her life that nobody that's actually in her life knows about.

I guess I need to get a grip on reality. But I can't just let go. That would just mean letting go of any chance of ever being truly and completely content. This will probably happen anyway, but if I do that now, what else do I have to hope for?

One more before bed.

[note] i restored my old controversial blog, because i don't really give a shit who sees it anymore. i was going to post this on there, but decided not to, so i'll post it here instead [/note]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for wanting something so badly that I'd rather die than live without it. I don't claim that my reasoning is rational, but it's just how I feel.

I've come under much fire for this little bloggy blog, and that's not too surprising. I went a little crazy, and posted some stuff that I shouldn't have, regardless of whether I meant it or not. Because honestly, I did. I still don't really fancy the whole idea of living, but that doesn't mean you have to keep me away from tall buildings and razor blades. It's not that I want to kill myself. That's not even the slightest bit of it. It's just that I feel I have no real way to make it through and be happy. I'm just going to continue to fuck everything up, keep failing, keep being a disappointment to my family. It's just about inevitable. So, I figured with me gone, that would alleviate some of the burden that my existence creates.

There is a little bit of a selfish tone as well. In utter honesty, I don't want to live a life in which I will never be happy. I know what it's like to be miserable all day, I've been doing that quite well for a few years. If this is all that life has to offer me, no thanks, I'd much prefer an early checkout, regardless of the cost. However, I did find something in the past year or so that showed me life from a new perspective. My eyes were opened to the idea that life can be actually a fucking amazing thing. The difference that she made me aware of was that of night and day. With her, the sun shined, so bright that I couldn't even keep it out if I closed my eyes.

But now, the clouds came right on back. Maybe it's my metaphorical winter. She found out that I'm not really much, and there's much better things for her elsewhere. While I'm not disagreeing in the least, I would like to at least attempt to plead my case. Nobody will ever see what I see when i look at her. Nobody will ever feel their thoughts and heart race faster than the speed of light every time I get to touch her. Nobody will ever know the feeling of home that I experience when I'm near her, when I smell her hair. It's a feeling of home for somebody who doesn't even know what home is anymore. To me, she was home. I didn't know these sorts of sensations were possible. I didn't know that feelings could be so overwhelming. She changed everything. She made me want to live, she made me want a family again. I still dream of being with her, I long to wake up by her side, I long to hold her, to touch her. I want her more than I've ever wanted anything in my entire life.

Now, it's apparent that I cannot have her. I have once again lost my home. I am once again wandering around, having no idea as to where I'm going, or why I'm even going anywhere. I have no destination, I have no home. Sure, I can try to make the most out of whatever I have is. That's like trying to rebuild your house after a tornado threw it miles away. You can't. You are left with nothing. Fortunately in those circumstances, insurance helps. Unfortunately, in this case, I really am just left with nothing. I don't really see the point to doing much of anything. Partially, I wish I had never met her, because then I wouldn't realize that I'm missing out on the one thing that would make me happy, my one opportunity to live a life that I actually WANT. Anything achieved now would be for nothing. I will never truly have what I want, so I'll just try to find something else to want. But I won't want these things, because I realize that I only want them because I can't have what I truly desire.

I know this is just right along the lines of what I was posting before. But if you notice, I make no threats to kill myself. If I ever start feeling like that, I sure as hell won't post anything about it. Jesus, what I wouldn't give to take back all this ado.

I hope that maybe one day she will want me. I really don't know what to do until then.

This all really sucks.

Now that my actual blog has been discovered by an unwanted audience, I have nowhere to really vent about what’s going on anymore. This is it, I guess, though I’m not positive that this isn’t being monitored as well. I don’t really care at this point. I’ve been good as far as not killing myself yet. Yesterday brought me pretty close to reconsidering, but I held strong. Today was just sort of a nothing day, almost like it never even happened.

I’m starting to realize that now. Most days just happen. There’s nothing special about anything to me anymore. Before, I used to do things, get to see people, etc. Days were different. Now, they are all the same. I’m either sitting at home doing absolutely nothing, not seeing anybody, being lonely, or I’m at work, basically doing the same thing.

I keep trying to tell myself how ridiculous it is to take such comfort in one person. I know that it makes no sense that I can’t be happy without them, and even though I’m quite a logical person, this doesn’t make a difference to me. I can’t tell myself what to feel, I just feel it. I guess the same goes the other way around. They can’t make themselves want to be with me, they just don’t. Feelings are simply that. They aren’t based on any truths or logic, they are completely irrational.

I spend most of my day thinking about that person, and about how much I love them, and that I’d do anything in the world to have them back. Then, I spend the rest of my day coming up with reasons not to just throw in the towel, and wishing that I’d never met her. That way, I wouldn’t know how happy I could be, and my state now wouldn’t seem so fucking miserable.

For once, I would just love to have feelings for somebody and have them feel at least close to the same way. And if I couldn’t make this work, then why would anything else work out for me, especially since I don’t really care about the other things as compared to her.

I’m trying so hard. I cried today for no reason. Well, for a reason, but one that I can’t really control. If only I could have one wish… I know exactly what that would be.

I really don’t want anything the same way. This is like the biggest domino. I can’t push it over and get the other ones to follow suit. But if I did, I know everything would move along, and things would be so much better. I wish she needed me in some capacity. Guilt won’t make her mine, but more of a mutual desire. All I know is that if she ever feels any desire for me, we’re as good as gold, because she’s the only thing that I desire at all.

Close.

Today was a rough day. That's all I'm really going to say about it at the moment.

Inaugural Post.

Welcome to the premier location of self loathing, complaining, and pure disdain for all things life. Okay, maybe that's going a little bit too far. I don't have pure disdain for everything about life. In all seriousness, I believe that there is a lot to enjoy during our short time in this realm of "living". I can envision being content and satisfied with the world, with life in general, with how it was all spent. Unfortunately, I just don't see myself ever reaching anything resembling happiness. I have been happy in the past. However, with each day passing, this is becoming more and more the distant past. I with I could have those days back. Maybe I would make better choices. I'd probably be done with school by now, I wouldn't have ever lost my license, I would have a car, I would have a great job, and hopefully some friends and maybe a girlfriend/fiancée/wife. Now, of course this is no guarantee, but it would be much more probable had I not fucked everything up. Because as of now, I haven't finished school, I just now got my license back after a few years, I have an okay job, I don't have friends, nor do I have any love interest (or at least one interested in me).

I've had an interesting life thus far. I've had wonderful times, and I've had some of the absolute worst times. I suppose that comes with just about everybody's lives. I just have an unshakable sadness because I used to feel that I was on top of the world. Regardless of whether or not I did, I felt like I had everything I needed. A recipe for happiness, I had all of the ingredients. But somewhere along the way, I prepared it all, and maybe i just overcooked it. Because now, I'm just a burnt out mess. It doesn't matter if you have all the pieces, but it's how you use them. Now, I don't even have any of the pieces to use.

My original blog can be found here. I started this blog and retired that one due to a bit of a security breach. The URL fell into the hands of somebody whom I didn't want to have it. I like to blog, regardless of who its for. I just do it for me, actually. I wasn't aware that so many people actually read up on me. I would receive facebook messages from people I had never even met regarding my blog. But, anything posted on here is not meant to be looked at as a cry for help. I just like to vent onto my keyboard. Something about just typing out everything in my head helps relieve at least a smallest bit of stress that is constantly plaguing me. I'm anxious all day, usually fueled even more so by boredom, and this is my outlet. If you check out that link above, you can probably see that the second to last post (and a few before that) were suggesting that I was considering ending my own life. I don't really want to be seen as somebody who needs help. I simply think that this may be the only option I have to finally alleviate myself from all of the madness going on in my head all day and night. I don't want to have to wake up anymore, and try to convince myself that this is a battle worth fighting. I've lost my confidence in that belief, and genuinely just want it all to end.

I'm going to not post so much regarding that, but it's certainly an issue on the table. So, maybe I won't be updating this blog for very long, anyway. Lately, I've had people trying to guilt me into staying alive , like my family. From my point of view, I shouldn't have to keep struggling daily just to appease them. If I don't want to feel worthless and alone anymore, I shouldn't have to. There's no fix. I give up..

Either way, I'll try to keep this up to date, with some fillers here and there. I might even incorporate some pictures or videos, make it somewhat entertaining rather than just me blabbing about how shitty my life is all the time. That is not a promise, though. It will most likely just be more of my incessant rambling.

One last thing, please don't go handing out this URL to my family. I live with my parents, so I have to hear shit from them all the time about all sorts of other things. My blog should not have to be one of them. Thanks.